It has been a long time since I have tried writing something decent down. This is a 3-page essay that has been boggling my mind for the past few days. Finally, I found the time to put this into writing. I hope you guys can manage to read through it and relate if you can. Will upload more soon.
Learning from Experience
These feelings and thoughts that I are brewing inside me right now, I have only felt once before. And that was also because of you, my dear friends. The person that I was before could never have imagined that it was possible to feel both betrayed by and grateful to the same set of people simultaneously. My head is in disarray because of you guys. However, I am powerless to confront you, because you have not done anything wrong, technically speaking. Hence, I take all of the blame on this matter.
It was only last year when our “closer” circle of friends started coming together, and I cannot even begin to express how happy I was in your company. As time went by, we hung out more and more until I suddenly discovered a feeling that I had never felt before in my entire life. Spending time with you guys made me realize why some people really value people who are unrelated to them (to the point of sacrificing some family time just to be with friends). I could never understand these feelings before --- wanting to hang out and talk about nonsensical things for hours, laughing about the lightest jokes, embarking on adventures, living life to the fullest, and so on. But with you guys, the excitement and happiness that accompanied these experiences came so naturally. I honestly felt that you were like siblings from another lifetime. I could tell you anything without fear of rejection or judgement. I could seek your counsel, knowing that whatever advice or opinion you say would be for my best interest. In short, I felt that I could trust you guys with my life. I have always been open with you, so I thought that you reciprocated the feelings. Apparently not.
The first time that this happened was when we were chilling at the beach. The triumphant feeling that I had when one of my friends finally admitted something very personal about himself was overwhelming. My interrogation was a success. Unfortunately, that feeling was overpowered by another friend telling me that I had been the only one left in the dark all along, and that they had already known that “admission” for quite some time. I came home from that vacation feeling frustrated and betrayed. I was even thinking that I would have preferred it if they had not told me that I was the odd one out. For days, numerous thoughts passed through my head until I ultimately forced myself to move on, dismissing that weird feeling of getting left behind. I thought that I was being petty. It was a one-time thing and I was willing to overlook it.
And now, it happened again. One more time, I am shaken awake to the fact that I am the odd one out, left in the dark for so long. What should I think? How do I react? I am so confused by the ramblings in my head. Questions and confusion arise, muddled by speculations and conclusions from the previous incident. (On a side note, they are probably not aware of my feelings, because the “revealer” in both incidents are different people. But both incidents boil down to one conclusion for me.)
From these two episodes, I thus learned a few important lessons:
It was only last year when our “closer” circle of friends started coming together, and I cannot even begin to express how happy I was in your company. As time went by, we hung out more and more until I suddenly discovered a feeling that I had never felt before in my entire life. Spending time with you guys made me realize why some people really value people who are unrelated to them (to the point of sacrificing some family time just to be with friends). I could never understand these feelings before --- wanting to hang out and talk about nonsensical things for hours, laughing about the lightest jokes, embarking on adventures, living life to the fullest, and so on. But with you guys, the excitement and happiness that accompanied these experiences came so naturally. I honestly felt that you were like siblings from another lifetime. I could tell you anything without fear of rejection or judgement. I could seek your counsel, knowing that whatever advice or opinion you say would be for my best interest. In short, I felt that I could trust you guys with my life. I have always been open with you, so I thought that you reciprocated the feelings. Apparently not.
The first time that this happened was when we were chilling at the beach. The triumphant feeling that I had when one of my friends finally admitted something very personal about himself was overwhelming. My interrogation was a success. Unfortunately, that feeling was overpowered by another friend telling me that I had been the only one left in the dark all along, and that they had already known that “admission” for quite some time. I came home from that vacation feeling frustrated and betrayed. I was even thinking that I would have preferred it if they had not told me that I was the odd one out. For days, numerous thoughts passed through my head until I ultimately forced myself to move on, dismissing that weird feeling of getting left behind. I thought that I was being petty. It was a one-time thing and I was willing to overlook it.
And now, it happened again. One more time, I am shaken awake to the fact that I am the odd one out, left in the dark for so long. What should I think? How do I react? I am so confused by the ramblings in my head. Questions and confusion arise, muddled by speculations and conclusions from the previous incident. (On a side note, they are probably not aware of my feelings, because the “revealer” in both incidents are different people. But both incidents boil down to one conclusion for me.)
From these two episodes, I thus learned a few important lessons:
- Never put too much trust in people. Inasmuch as people can be good, they can also lie and hide things. And as sad as it sounds, I now realize that I have been too trusting of people. The words of a friend echo in my mind when she said that I should be careful with who I trust because people naturally only look out for their own interests. Perhaps the only people whom you can put your faith on are family. But even with family, not everyone is blessed.
- Feel free to hang out and have a good time with friends. The laughter and happiness shared is real, a definite stress reliever. But do not equate having fun together as a life-changing moment of bonding. It is not.
- People’s actions should reflect their faith. But in the instance that a person does something wrong, it does not necessarily mean that the Bible or the teachings are wrong. It only goes to show that humans err and go astray sometimes. What is important is that they find their way back to the path of light.
Nevertheless, I am and will be forever grateful to these friends for showing me that there is a life beyond family. There are things you simply cannot divulge so easily to family members, but you can share with friends without even batting an eyelash. I am not sure if I would have been able to discover this facet of life had I not met and mingled with them.
Better still, there are specks of logical reasoning in my mind despite the huge emotional segments. A part of me wants to believe that the reason that they are holding out is because they want to protect me from the harsh truth, like a parent trying to protect his/her child. Perhaps they think I am too innocent (ehem!) for something quite divergent from society. Or maybe they think that I am not yet ready to handle the reality. But, my point is, no matter what they think, I am a grown-up as well. Isn’t it only fair that they let me decide whether or not I can handle these truths? (And now, yes, we are at the point where you have revealed these truths to me. And I do believe that I am handling it well, considering that I did not turn my back on you or rejected your friendship. However, that you have not willingly opened up to is the matter that I am questioning. I start doubting myself, wondering why you guys did not choose to confide in me. Am I not worth your trust?)
I do not think that I can ever look at you guys the same way again. The show is over and the magic has died. All I am left with is reality and the lessons that I have learned. The hurt will heal eventually, but the pain will be a memory forever ingrained in my heart and mind.
I simply cannot believe (I refuse to believe!) that friendships are like that. One moment, you have so much fun together. The next, you hide things from one another. I thought being close friends meant that you could bare it all to them. Have faith and trust in them - and that I did. But there should be reciprocation, right? They should also trust you back in return.
This is such a long narrative of my perspective that I have no idea how to express this in spoken words. So I will just keep quiet and keep this secret in writing. Just interact with them like how I did before. Though, to be honest, I have no idea how to do it. The good vibes came so naturally in the past, but it is now gone. How do I go about it? They are surely bound to notice. But what am I to do?
